Okay, first of all, I have to apologize beforehand for what I’m going to comment and criticize. Please note that I’m doing this for the sole reason of improving your writings and in no way trying to ridicule you or anything.
1.) The Writing Mechanics: I see lots of errors and typos in this story. I believe it’s quite excusable for you’re writing in a foreign language, but let me point out some of the mistakes so you can improve:
~ Tenses: Stories aren’t necessarily written in past tenses (though it’s normally written in such manner), but your story here has the tendency to change tenses every now and then. Try to stick with one form of tense so your story flows more nicely.
~ Prepositions: There are many words paired with the wrong prepositions or with none at all. For example: “Jullie whispers me passionately”, which should be “Jullie whispers at me passionately” or “I can feel her hand comes in my shirt...” Which is more appropriate if written as “I can feel her hand slips under my shirt...”.
~ Word Choices: There are many inappropriate word choices in here. For example: “It was fault — very fault — for her to...” which should be better and more correct if written as “It was a mistake — a very bad mistake — for her to...” or “...she is wild — and I’m either”, which should be “...she is wild — and me either.”
~ Grammars: There are also a significant amount of grammatical errors in this story. For example: “I don’t know how could this be like this“, which should be written as “I don’t know how it could turn out into this” or “After all, we had been get used to do this” which should be “After all, we were used to this”.
~ Spellings: While I see some spelling errors, they are minor and therefore might only be a slight miss. For example: “touchs” which should be “touches” or “two floors” which should be “two-story”.
If you want to check on how some prepositions and/or words usually written, I recommend Dictionary.com. It might be a little bit tricky to use, but it will do wonders to your future English stories. :-)
2.) The Profanities: I see that you use many profanities in this story (“f*ck”, “sh*t”, etc). While I’m not a fan of profanities myself, I wouldn’t really mind reading stories filled with those vile words – as long as they are correctly and logically applied. What I see here as the problem is the fact that you use those profanities at seemingly weird situations. For example: ““Nope, this bitchjust wanna go to a date!”” Even among guys, saying that to a friend in normal circumstances is weird. But you make a girl friend says that? To her own friend nonetheless? Also, to avoid redundancy (the only redundancy you ever did in this story was the profanities), you can try using other synonyms to “f*ck”, like: “make love”, “fornicate”, or other suggestive words rather than the rather harsh “f*ck”.
3.) The Writing Style: I feel that you try too hard in Americanizing your story. I know that you have a good intention – trying to make your readers taste a cultural difference – but this story, especially to those familiar with American slangs and used to reading American fics, feels out of place and weird. Try reading American stories in English sites for references next time.
4.) The Characters: The characters so far aren’t very intriguing. I can relate to the guy’s characters since it’s from his POV, but the girl’s characters seem too two-dimensional. Moreover, you still haven’t made your characters, at least to me, appealing; and therefore, not many would sympathize to them. I think it will be better if you show more of the man’s regrets NOT to the girl, but to the act of sex before marriage itself. For from what you’ve written so far, I can only say, “Well, they do deserve it, it’s their fault”, and frankly, as a parent, I might do the same thing if I catch my children doing such things.
5.) The Plot: While I think you have a good and clear idea as to what to write, I feel that the plot is pretty mundane. What I mean is that you can explore the plot a bit more – there are so many possibilities of this story; why not create something at least remotely different? Looking at the rating this story gets and the fact that it’s written in English made me expect something really good and different. But really, the one thing that disappoints me the most is the fact that you have written good Indo stories before – I know you’re a good writer, and that what irks me while reading this story. I know I shouldn’t judge before reading the continuation, but how many people (especially editors) would continue reading if the first chapter isn’t intriguing enough?
*phew* THAT was long… Anyway, I can also spot some good things in this story: one is that it’s written in English (needs a lot of courage to do so), and the last line, which I think is a good closing sentence (though it somehow works better as a short story, meaning that I don’t expect a continuation if it ends with those line).
Again, I apologize for my rather harsh review. But I hope you can learn something from this review and, hopefully, make a better English story next time. Do tell me when you’re writing a new English story and I will be more than happy to review it. No hard feelings and keep writing! ;-)
huhu jon, mengikuti langkah frenzy kah? untungnya bahasa nya kagak berat, saya masih mengerti bhakan masih bisa menerjemahkannya,, hahah ternyata bahasa inggris saya tak seburuk yangs aya pikir selama ini.
jon,, kalo cerita orang selalu kamu kritik tentang EYDnya saya sekarang bingung apa yang mau saya kritiki, EYD kah? wong kamu pake English,, tapi bener kata mas Bamby, terlalu melimpah ruah vocab kasarnya, mulai dari damn, fuck, dll.
dan, cerita ini umu banget yah buat remaja luar sana.. tapi kamu menceritakan dengan gaya kamu sendiri.. ok.. lanjut yah lanjutanya
waah Jon!
ceritanya sangat liar .
kata-kata sama dialognya pun!
tapi 'keliaran' itu emang harus dibangun di cerita kamu ini, hehee..
serem juga sih bacanya, terlalu ekstrim.. tapi realita yang bukan jadi barang baru sebenernya! miris.. semoga akan banyak pelajaran dari cerita kamu Jon! sejauh ini ceritanya menarik, dikemas dengan apik..
This is a kind of perfect literature for those who want to learn more about English Taboo Words. Damned !!! I wish that I could find it out few years ago so I can used it as the source for my thesis.
For now, this story can be considered as a brave step to take since I never found any kind of story that using second language of its writer. Its a marvelous job anyway.
Furthermore, there are still some grammatical errors and miss-typing words occur on this story. I would not point them out, since I believe that you could to do it by your self.
In the end, The resolution to end it up seems not going too smooth. I can feel that something are missing from its climax. You've just dropped the readers' emotions too fast brutha'.
However, just like what I've said before that I do really appreciate your efforts to post a kind of second language acquisition in your story. Keeps writing Brutha'
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wew mantep...
hot banget...
beh berani lo pake english terus temanya juga rada2 *wah gini
mantep dah :D
cerita ny ci ok..tapi aku rasa kmu mesti benahin lagi cara penulisanny..jgn buat dgn banyak tanda strip..ga bagus jadiny..
Okay, first of all, I have to apologize beforehand for what I’m going to comment and criticize. Please note that I’m doing this for the sole reason of improving your writings and in no way trying to ridicule you or anything.
1.) The Writing Mechanics: I see lots of errors and typos in this story. I believe it’s quite excusable for you’re writing in a foreign language, but let me point out some of the mistakes so you can improve:
~ Tenses: Stories aren’t necessarily written in past tenses (though it’s normally written in such manner), but your story here has the tendency to change tenses every now and then. Try to stick with one form of tense so your story flows more nicely.
~ Prepositions: There are many words paired with the wrong prepositions or with none at all. For example: “Jullie whispers me passionately”, which should be “Jullie whispers at me passionately” or “I can feel her hand comes in my shirt...” Which is more appropriate if written as “I can feel her hand slips under my shirt...”.
~ Word Choices: There are many inappropriate word choices in here. For example: “It was fault — very fault — for her to...” which should be better and more correct if written as “It was a mistake — a very bad mistake — for her to...” or “...she is wild — and I’m either”, which should be “...she is wild — and me either.”
~ Grammars: There are also a significant amount of grammatical errors in this story. For example: “I don’t know how could this be like this“, which should be written as “I don’t know how it could turn out into this” or “After all, we had been get used to do this” which should be “After all, we were used to this”.
~ Spellings: While I see some spelling errors, they are minor and therefore might only be a slight miss. For example: “touchs” which should be “touches” or “two floors” which should be “two-story”.
If you want to check on how some prepositions and/or words usually written, I recommend Dictionary.com. It might be a little bit tricky to use, but it will do wonders to your future English stories. :-)
2.) The Profanities: I see that you use many profanities in this story (“f*ck”, “sh*t”, etc). While I’m not a fan of profanities myself, I wouldn’t really mind reading stories filled with those vile words – as long as they are correctly and logically applied. What I see here as the problem is the fact that you use those profanities at seemingly weird situations. For example: ““Nope, this bitchjust wanna go to a date!”” Even among guys, saying that to a friend in normal circumstances is weird. But you make a girl friend says that? To her own friend nonetheless? Also, to avoid redundancy (the only redundancy you ever did in this story was the profanities), you can try using other synonyms to “f*ck”, like: “make love”, “fornicate”, or other suggestive words rather than the rather harsh “f*ck”.
3.) The Writing Style: I feel that you try too hard in Americanizing your story. I know that you have a good intention – trying to make your readers taste a cultural difference – but this story, especially to those familiar with American slangs and used to reading American fics, feels out of place and weird. Try reading American stories in English sites for references next time.
4.) The Characters: The characters so far aren’t very intriguing. I can relate to the guy’s characters since it’s from his POV, but the girl’s characters seem too two-dimensional. Moreover, you still haven’t made your characters, at least to me, appealing; and therefore, not many would sympathize to them. I think it will be better if you show more of the man’s regrets NOT to the girl, but to the act of sex before marriage itself. For from what you’ve written so far, I can only say, “Well, they do deserve it, it’s their fault”, and frankly, as a parent, I might do the same thing if I catch my children doing such things.
5.) The Plot: While I think you have a good and clear idea as to what to write, I feel that the plot is pretty mundane. What I mean is that you can explore the plot a bit more – there are so many possibilities of this story; why not create something at least remotely different? Looking at the rating this story gets and the fact that it’s written in English made me expect something really good and different. But really, the one thing that disappoints me the most is the fact that you have written good Indo stories before – I know you’re a good writer, and that what irks me while reading this story. I know I shouldn’t judge before reading the continuation, but how many people (especially editors) would continue reading if the first chapter isn’t intriguing enough?
*phew* THAT was long… Anyway, I can also spot some good things in this story: one is that it’s written in English (needs a lot of courage to do so), and the last line, which I think is a good closing sentence (though it somehow works better as a short story, meaning that I don’t expect a continuation if it ends with those line).
Again, I apologize for my rather harsh review. But I hope you can learn something from this review and, hopefully, make a better English story next time. Do tell me when you’re writing a new English story and I will be more than happy to review it. No hard feelings and keep writing! ;-)
Oh damn shit this story is great
Ups, kebawa dech
hehehe
Rijon heubaattt
Kerreennn ^o^
jangan lupa pake past tense.. bukannya cerita harus pake past tense ya?
bersambungnya kurang seru jon, kalo pas dipergokin bersambungnya, naaah itu baru bikin penasaran, hahahahaha!!
tambahin ungkapan-ungkapan spesifik untuk dialognya kalo bisa.. deskripsinya agak kurang.
a nice, shocking, and inspiring story.
i'm waiting for the story's continuation....
salut tu Rijon dech
kapook deh...
gini yak kalo saia telat ngikutin zaman
huuuaaaa...
tapi, dikit2 ngerti juga siy
Wah, kamu memang berbakat kawan.
Bisa kau terjemahkan dalam bahasa Arab?
huhu jon, mengikuti langkah frenzy kah? untungnya bahasa nya kagak berat, saya masih mengerti bhakan masih bisa menerjemahkannya,, hahah ternyata bahasa inggris saya tak seburuk yangs aya pikir selama ini.
jon,, kalo cerita orang selalu kamu kritik tentang EYDnya saya sekarang bingung apa yang mau saya kritiki, EYD kah? wong kamu pake English,, tapi bener kata mas Bamby, terlalu melimpah ruah vocab kasarnya, mulai dari damn, fuck, dll.
dan, cerita ini umu banget yah buat remaja luar sana.. tapi kamu menceritakan dengan gaya kamu sendiri.. ok.. lanjut yah lanjutanya
waah Jon!
ceritanya sangat liar .
kata-kata sama dialognya pun!
tapi 'keliaran' itu emang harus dibangun di cerita kamu ini, hehee..
serem juga sih bacanya, terlalu ekstrim.. tapi realita yang bukan jadi barang baru sebenernya! miris.. semoga akan banyak pelajaran dari cerita kamu Jon! sejauh ini ceritanya menarik, dikemas dengan apik..
wedeww!!!! (mendadak kaget!)
RIJON dirimu menyuruh aku sewa penerjemah tah halah....????
sumpeh yg english2an gini neh gw bacanya kudu di dampingin kamus!
TOBAT!!!!!
Oh fuck....
Can't wait to see the next part....
Duh, kalau cerita gini bingung commentnya euy....
Tapi secara Inggris bahasanya lumayan gaul hahaha ada yang harus disensor tuh.... banyak fucking-nya
So.. becarefull.. :) great..
Great story-telling, mate!..
Hmmm...Dont know what that i must reviews it, it such a perfect for me!..
Cant hardly wait for your next chaps!..
wow english!
This is a kind of perfect literature for those who want to learn more about English Taboo Words. Damned !!! I wish that I could find it out few years ago so I can used it as the source for my thesis.
For now, this story can be considered as a brave step to take since I never found any kind of story that using second language of its writer. Its a marvelous job anyway.
Furthermore, there are still some grammatical errors and miss-typing words occur on this story. I would not point them out, since I believe that you could to do it by your self.
In the end, The resolution to end it up seems not going too smooth. I can feel that something are missing from its climax. You've just dropped the readers' emotions too fast brutha'.
However, just like what I've said before that I do really appreciate your efforts to post a kind of second language acquisition in your story. Keeps writing Brutha'