He sat there behind the steering wheel, without saying anything. I was sitting behind him in this car, with my head still bleeding. I was tired, and inside, my heart got so hurt. How I wanted him to say that he still loves me after all these things happened---, but he didn’t even look at me.
He was the one I loved, and the one who for the first time I hated so much for the reason that I didn’t think is all true.
I looked away through the car’s window. The road we were passing by was empty at this silent night, and the sky above was dark.
I remember the night, when first I met him. I drove him home in this car, his car. I was sitting right in his position now, and he was in mine, drunken. How lucky I was to get a young and nice customer in this driving service.
I stole a glance at him through the rear-view mirror. There was something on his face that I loved to see. He looked sad, and seemed to be bothered about a hard problem. A typical look of night passenger.
Slowly, he looked at me and asked, “Please turn the CD on.”
A romantic love song then played through the car’s CD player.
I looked at his face again through the car’s mirror above my head, but he caught me. Then, he stole a glance at me with his flirting eyes. I raised the mirror, so he couldn’t see my face. But he kept staring at me all the way to his apartment.
He gave me big tip when we arrived at his place that made my eyes wide opened. “Thank you,” I said.
“Would you like to join me for another drink?” He asked me.
“I gotta work,” I replied soon, and started to leave him, but he called me again. “What’s your name?”
I didn’t answer, only kept walking. But God knew I was smiling in my silence, behind the wall. There was something touched my heart that night, but I didn’t want him to come into my life. I am a poor, he’s a rich, and I didn’t think the relationship was going to be alright. A rich man…ah, what things they couldn’t get by their money?
And then…it came one event that made me hate him so bad. He dumped me from his company where I’d been working, but then pulled me again. Did he want me to call him a hero? Such a foxy trick!
“Don’t try to do this trick, you sucker!’ I snapped at him. He was just staring at me as I walked away. I hated him!
I tried all the way to escape from him. One night I found myself was no longer a good boy, but a naughty guy serving lonely man in a gay bar. Money! That’s the only reason I did this job. I wanted to prove that I could be like him, Mr. God’s gift.
I felt longing in this car right now. Longing for something that I used to get. He was still quiet there. His glance was empty…
My memories of him were coming back, just like a movie screen in front of me. He came into my life like a stalker, crouching in a dark, every moment. I couldn’t remember how many times he came after me, not to mention how many times I dumped him.
One night, I saw him spying on me behind the half opened door when I was hugging an older man and dancing around the bar’s dance floor. The more he wanted me, the more I wanted him to go away. I kissed the older man right in front of his eyes. He was burned with jealousy and drew me out of the bar.
“Let go!” I shouted to him. “Why are you dangling after me?”
“We haven’t introduced ourselves well,” he answered.
I looked away from his gaze. I didn’t want to know his name, nor everything about him. Sometimes I thought it was mean. But it’s the only way to keep my heart from falling in love with him.
”I don’t know why. But I just like you…” He said, holding my hand.
I heard sincerity in his voice but I let go of my hand and told him not to call me anymore. He didn’t say anything, only stared at me as I started to walk away from him. There was something tore my heart. If only I could kill this feeling that began to grow inside me.
“It’s nice to meet you, Su-Min…” I heard his voice behind me. I felt my heart broken. I tried hard to keep my tears from running down my eyes and keep walking away from him.
I thought it was the last time I saw him, but he was such a tough stalker. The following night, I had a call to see a customer in a luxurious hotel, and it was him actually. There, I saw him standing on the hotel’s window. His eyes were glistening with tears, hoping for me to accept his love. I thought my defense was about to collapse. With tears running down my cheeks, I left him again that night.
But it didn’t end up there. That night, he came back to the bar where I worked, smashed every room’s door and shouting my name like a crazy, hopeless man. He was beaten up by the security guards there, but he kept getting up and up to find me. I never knew someone could do such a foolish thing for love like him.
My hatred of him suddenly disappeared like a blowing wind when I found him scattered on the bar’s floor with his body bruised, being swarmed over by 4 big men.
“Get up!” I asked him. He didn’t move.
“GET UP! You damned jackass!” I shouted louder. Again, he didn't move.
“GET --UP!” I shouted again, shaking, and burst into tears. He only stared at me, motionless and I was so afraid he was going to die.
I brought him to my home, carried him on my back. I treated his injured body and cleaned his face with a soft towel. He was staring at me tenderly.
“I’m so sorry,” He said, and touched my shoulder. I couldn’t help it anymore. All this time I suffered from ignoring this feeling for him. And tonight, I wanted him so bad that I gave all my body and soul to him. Soon, We were drowning into a passionate moment I would’ve never forgotten all my life.
He, my lover was a perfect one for me…A father figure that I’d been waiting for a long time, though he was only 5 years older than me. My father died in a traffic accident since I was a little child, and my lover really could give anything I’d never got from my old man.
I sighed deeply with my bleeding head still in pain. He was still driving in silence. Our love actually had grown beautifully. But why at the final moment, I did this foolish thing?
Only one thing…One bad thing happened afterwards. I found out later that he was going to get married with a pretty girl. The invitations were all distributed, and he never told me about it. My heart got so hurt. I felt like being cheated by someone I love. Since then, he seemed to avoid me and I thought I was going to die if I didn’t see him anymore.
The next day, I went see him at his office, but he ignored me in front of his fiancée as if I was a poor stranger asking him for money. I felt my heart break into pieces.
I am only a human, who couldn’t bear such a pain. Maybe I love him so much, that I couldn’t stand being separated from him. Couldn’t stand to see him with other person. The view of him and his girl walking together more and more sliced into my heart like a razor-sharp blade of bamboo. I was out of my mind, and all these tragic event happened then.
His shirt now was still dirty by the wet soil and blood. The soil that came out from the grave that we,---me and my friend---made for him. His head and neck were still bleeding, being kicked by my friend when he discarded him into the grave area with his hands tied on his back.
I still could hear his scream coming out from his shut mouth. I could see his eyes staring at me when slowly but sure his body was buried by the soil that my friend threw on him to bury him alive.
I sighed again…I couldn’t kill him at last. I realized that I love him very much…
I seized the hoe from my friend’s hand, which made him got angry and led us into a big fight.
“Take all that money. I don’t want to!” I shouted to my friend. ”I don’t do this because of money!” I jumped into the grave to save Jae-Min but my friend hit me on the neck ‘till I got fainted and fell down on my lover’s chest.
God wake me up to set my lover’s free.
I still could feel inside, how my lover carried me on his back. I was crying, feeling deep regret for bringing him into this tragic situation. He said nothing but holding me tight and drove us home.
The car kept passing by, bringing emptiness in my heart and tears in my eyes. I couldn’t stand it anymore…
“I’m so sorry…” I said.
He kept silence.
“It’s nice---to meet you---Jae-Min….” I said to him with husky voice.
He turned his head, in shock. I could see his eyes shining before suddenly I felt the car was out of control and hit against a big tree with loud sound and my head collided with the car window.
BRAKK!!! The next I felt was all darkness and silence…
**
When I came into my senses, I felt someone holding my hand and I saw his face, smiling at me. Then, I got fainted again. I didn’t care of anything if I couldn’t live with him anymore…
**
The sky above this night was dark but clean. I didn’t go to my college tonight. There was something more important to do. I was sitting on the new sofa I just bought last week. Not an expensive one, but it was suitable with this small apartment we’d just moved last week. My previous small room was no longer suitable for us.
I moved as I heard a knock on the door and bringing a little box in my arm.
There, he was standing outside; holding an office bag and face looked so tired. I hugged him and we were drowning into a deep kiss.
“Happy birthday, Jae-Min…” I said, giving him my gift.
His eyes were staring at me, full of love. “Thank you, honey…”
For a second he just kept quiet, and then he sighed deeply. “I’m not the same person as I was before…” he said.
I understand what he meant. His job, money, all have been taken from him by his rich parents ever since he decided to choose me, to live with me.
“I don’t need them all, “ I said. “I just need you…We could start over from the beginning…”
He hugged me, “All I have now is love. I love you, Su-Min…”
I was wrapped by his embrace with a happy feeling inside my heart. There was no regret at all to love him. No regret at all!
**
Note:
Source: No Regret film 2006. Dedicated to: Lee Song He-Ill, Lee Han, Lee Young Hoon,for a very touching story and performance.
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