Among the Clouds; Part 1

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Writer faraj_ibym_vajra
faraj_ibym_vajra at Among the Clouds; Part 1 (11 years 10 weeks ago)
80

First, sorry. Saya jarang nengok ke K.com. Saya cuman biasa nangkring di fantasi.kemudian aja...

But...

To write over 4000 words in one story...

I'm gonna sick and barf if you write it on 'kirim cerita', not copying it from your computer. (Ngerti ga tuh? Perkara pemakaian aturan-aturan yang benar untuk bahasa inggris saya juga agak-agak flaw, nih!)

You're really a patient person! (Atau gue aja yang kampung?) :|

Thank you for referring this page to me, Sir! I'll read the next part soon.

Writer SnowDrop
SnowDrop at Among the Clouds; Part 1 (11 years 10 weeks ago)
90

WOWWW..menggila,,dasyat !!! gw paling suka di pembukaan,bener2 kerasa indahnya pemandangan yg diliat si 'aku',,whoaaa.luv it! ceritanya kaya gundam2 an negh ? wekss..baiklah ! saiia mu lanjut ke bab 2nya,hehe =D> =D>

Writer Kairei-chan
Kairei-chan at Among the Clouds; Part 1 (11 years 18 weeks ago)
70

... thanks for your previous review on my story. :-) I clicked the link you provided there and stumbled myself upon this piece. :-P As per your wish, I’ll focus on your writing mechanics as well as my usual review template.

FIRST, GRAMMAR. There are some errors in this story, but I believe they are minor and easy to fix. I noted that you already have a beta-reader, so I guess this problem can as well be considered fixed. One tricky one I managed to catch, though: ““Sure, Tessa,” answered him...”. It should be “answered he”. I guess it’s natural if you translate in from Indo to English since Indo phrasing rule correct this phrase. ;-)

SECOND, WORD PHRASING. I feel that there are some weird phrasing/structure. For example: “I was asleep soundly”. Normally, people write “I was soundly asleep” instead.

THIRD, PUNCTUATION. I noted that you used punctuations quite generously – I guess it’s okay to eliminate some of the commas since some of them sounded confusing if recited. For example: “Someone called me again and this time, it was closer, more urgent but still distant”. I think you paused the sentence at the wrong place. I also think that you shouldn’t use “but” since the 2 words (“urgent” and “distant”) aren’t contradicting with each other. Perhaps it will make more sense if you change it into: “Someone called me again – and this time, it was closer.” I can’t help you with the “more urgent but still distant”, though, perhaps you can insert that description in another place or rephrase it.

FOURTH, REDUNDANCY. The part where the guy explained about the machine can be abbreviated. So instead of saying, “...Active radars were OK. Passive radars were OK. Engine was OK. Fuel was OK. The Omega Driver was OK. All status was green.”, I guess you can rephrase it into: “The autopilot was engaging and OK. Navigation was OK – I thought as I saw the holographic image of my position – weapons were on standby and fully charged. Active radars, passive radars, engine, fuel, The Omega Driver... all OK. All status was green.” Also, I might want to rephrase “The sunshine shined...” if I were you, for it sounds redundant as well.

FIFTH, SPELLING. I got some spelling errors: “All was quite” should be “All was quiet”; and “helmed” should be “helmet”. Also, “Lest but not least” should be “Last but not the least”. Ask your beta-reader to reread this since I didn’t check all of them.

SIXTH, CAPITALIZATION. You seemed to capitalize and decapitalize the wrong words. For example, “I finished my Prayer...” should be “I finished my prayer...”, because the “prayer” here is generic. If you really have to capitalize it, you can change it into “I finished The Prayer...” instead. Also, you typed “Yes, lieutenant”, while it’s supposed to be “”Yes, Lieutenant...”, since “lieutenant” here is, I quoted in Indonesian, “kata ganti orang ketiga”. :-P Also, if you write a speech like this: “Someone called me again, “”hey! You're awake?””, you have to capitalize the “hey”.

SEVENTH, CHARACTERIZATION. I guess your main character has the potential to be loved by your readers. And since this is only the first part of many, I can’t comment on the overall depth of characters. I just wanna say that… the other characters sure remind me of those sci-fi animes I sometimes watch. n_n;

EIGHTH, DESCRIPTIONS. I must applaud you for painting such vivid images with your words, especially the part about the planes and everything. Just be careful in giving too many descriptions, as some readers might not have the patience to read all of them. So far, though, I think it’s still at normal level.

NINTH, OPENING. Phew! I finally managed to finish the mechanics part! XD Anyway, I think the opening sounded interesting, but you stalled and beat around the bushes after awhile, and I guess that’s detrimental in terms of keeping your readers’ interest and attention span. Try smoothing out your sentences a bit and cut some unimportant ones to keep your readers’ boredom level in check. :-P

TENTH, PLOT. I guess it’s quite creative of you to create quite an unusual and non-mainstream story (at least among Indo writers). The problem is, like how your previous reviewers have criticized, you used too many technical jargons that both confused the readers and made them unwilling to continue reading – especially since you wrote this in English. Boy, that makes things worse! XD I myself read more English fics than Indo ones, but I still find difficulties in reading this till the end without stopping every so often to ease my poor brain and eyes. :-P So I suggest you minimalize the usage of technical jargons. Trust me, it doesn’t make your story less cool than it already is. ;-) And also, I feel that this chapter hadn’t revealed much of the main plot.

ELEVENTH, CLOSING. A good cliffhanger, I must say. It makes your reader anxious to know the continuation of your story. I guess you don’t have a problem here. :-)

Whoa... this must be my longest review here! n_n; I hope you’re satisfied with this review. If not, don’t hesitate to ask more or rebut me if I made some mistakes. :-P In overall, I gave this story a 7 rating since the plot can still be expanded, and there are still so many technical/mechanics errors here. The most important thing to note is how you keep your readers’ interest throughout the chapter. Don’t give up and keep writing! n_~*

Writer rosedragon
rosedragon at Among the Clouds; Part 1 (11 years 19 weeks ago)
70

Sorry, I'm only able to read half way. I like your English and I'm curious of where, what, and the mission of the fleet. But when Ryan starts to explain in non-scifi explanation, it just seems out of place and makes me turn away from the story.

Writer FrenZy
FrenZy at Among the Clouds; Part 1 (11 years 23 weeks ago)
80

hello adrian! maaf juga aku jarang OL dan mengomentari ceritamu, atau online utk chatting - been sick for a while :D

mengenai ceritamu dulu ya. ada beberapa grammar: 'shined' bukannya 'shone' yah untuk past tense nya shine?

ide ceritanya menarik! I enjoyed the details. by the way, ada sedikit mix dari culture dan penggunaan bahasa British and American English. the word 'arse' you used is more familiar in Britain and Ireland, but usage of the words 'damn', 'dude' et cetera are more popular in the American culture.. so I think it might be something worth paying attention to :D

untuk ceritanya sendiri, Adrian, sebagai part one, kurasa sedikit panjang since it's without a prologue. Karakter-karakternya muncul bergantian tanpa deskripsi yang signifikan sehingga kita memilah-milah sendiri mana yang menjadi karakter utama, mana yang bukan.

oh ya a few 'war' books I recommend are Pearl Harbor (adaptasi movie) dan That Summer-nya Andrew Greig - action, adventures and romance during World War.

Email me, kita ngobrol tentang cerita-cerita kita yak. :D

Writer Bamby Cahyadi
Bamby Cahyadi at Among the Clouds; Part 1 (11 years 24 weeks ago)
90

Senang bisa membaca karya berbahasa asing, walaupun tersendat-sendat untuk mencari vocabularynya hehehe

Writer dhanang wibowo
dhanang wibowo at Among the Clouds; Part 1 (11 years 35 weeks ago)
80

i think its a very good story.. but why u must write it on english? r u going to publish it abroad?

salam kenal, aq lagi nulis cerita scifi juga..^^

Writer F_Griffin
F_Griffin at Among the Clouds; Part 1 (11 years 35 weeks ago)
70

hehe... It's a very long piece and I have so many comments in mind I dont think this column would suffice.

Mayhaps will contact and let you know of the comments via mail-list.

Cheers!

Writer clme_13
clme_13 at Among the Clouds; Part 1 (11 years 35 weeks ago)
90

ampun... batuk darah bacanya (pusing)
maklum, b. ing aku masi level anak sd....
hayah....

Writer dirgita
dirgita at Among the Clouds; Part 1 (11 years 39 weeks ago)
90

Yah, akhirnya sempat juga dibaca. Sebelumnya, minta maaf. Saya bisa dibilang berbahasa Inggris pasif dan kosa kata yang saya miliki masih kurang. Saya tidak mengerti dan sebal mengenai grammar. Jadi, bagian itu tidak akan saya singgung.
Cuma mau bicara, meski hanya sepatah dua patah kata mengerti, ceritanya asyik juga. Sembari baca, saya membayangkan film Stealth (bener ga, ya, ada film itu?). Alat navigasinya canggih. Hampir sama dengan navigasi di salah satu seri robot raksasa saya. Hehe, tapi belum di-posting. Soal sulih kata ke Indonesia..., kayaknya boleh dicoba. Cerita ini mengandung beberapa makna di beberapa bagian yang sulit untuk diterjemahkan oleh orang awam seperti saya.
Ngomong-ngomong, Inggris-inggrisan saya di Welcome to UF sudah diedit sedikit. Tapi, beberapa yang dianjurkan adrian.achyar tidak saya ikuti. Mohon dijitak kalau yang tidak saya ikuti itu adalah masalah riskan. Give me just one reason, why I must pick up that words away? Tuh, kan? Inggris saya kacau.

Writer Alfare
Alfare at Among the Clouds; Part 1 (11 years 40 weeks ago)
60

Maaf, sejak dulu pengen baca tapi belum sempat.

Hmm, karena bahasa inggrisnya masih kepatah-patah, kesannya maksa dan enggak berkesan.

Kalau Bung Adrian entah gimana bersedia mengetik ulang dalam bahasa indonesia, aku percaya hasilnya bakal gila...

Writer nikennix
nikennix at Among the Clouds; Part 1 (12 years 7 weeks ago)
90

adrian..sambil nunggu laptop gue dibenerin sama elo kemarin, gue terlena dengan bagusnya cerita elo ini..Man, i'm a writer too, but you are the master of sci fi.Gue gaptek banget sumpah ama segala maneuvering dari pesawat-pesawat elo.btw, dapat pengetahuan tentang system dari machinery ini dimana? (jangan bilang ngendon di labkom)

Writer bleu_freak
bleu_freak at Among the Clouds; Part 1 (12 years 8 weeks ago)
100

empat jempol nih buat cerita hebat ini!

Writer bututbego
bututbego at Among the Clouds; Part 1 (12 years 8 weeks ago)
50

Eh.., bentar!!
wah kamusnya dimana ya?
Among.. ya, bentar-bentar.
Ooo among-among tho. Kenduri kan???
Waduh.., maap. tapi aku tidak bisa menikmatinya.

Writer cubic-t
cubic-t at Among the Clouds; Part 1 (12 years 9 weeks ago)
100

...lanjutannya terbit?

Penasaran nih!
(dah sebulan lhoo...)

Writer aji_core
aji_core at Among the Clouds; Part 1 (12 years 10 weeks ago)
100

gue baru pernah baca cerita yang canggih kayak gini. ditunggu lanjutannya...

btw, ditunggu undangannya.. ;p.

Writer yugi_yakuza
yugi_yakuza at Among the Clouds; Part 1 (12 years 12 weeks ago)
100

kira2 brapa taon ywh bsa nerjemahin niy smuanya...
hiks,,,
:(

sumpah, keren bgd bro,,
wlaupun gw bcanya mesti ati,,
(hee,,,maklum englishnya msh blepotan) tpi 10 g ckup bt loe..

Lanjut bro...
^_^

Writer sefry_chairil
sefry_chairil at Among the Clouds; Part 1 (12 years 12 weeks ago)
100

Yan.. komennya gak beda sama yang udah aku langsung sampein ke kamu. Ceritanya nice, amazing! Aku tunggu 'kejutan' dalam lanjutannya!^^

Btw, tuh Yan.. udah pada nungguin, udah sebulan.. ;p (Maap deh, kalo nulis digangguin mulu sama aku ya? Hihi^^..)

Yan, aku berusaha, dan terus berusaha memahami kamu, dunia kamu dan segalanya yang ada dalam diri kamu. Jangan pernah takut buat aku kecewa, karena apa yang ada dalam diri kamu, buatku jauh lebih dari cukup... Love u, Hun!

---------------
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More about Sefryana Khairil and her books, klik here:
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Writer azura7
azura7 at Among the Clouds; Part 1 (12 years 12 weeks ago)
100

it's remain me to a fake ganeration made some story and became true in future.
this story too egocentery and much use "I", can you use other one such your nick name?
BTW, great! Try to keep write in English, OK?

Writer my bro
my bro at Among the Clouds; Part 1 (12 years 12 weeks ago)
100

kamuuuusss... manaaa kamus gw!

hosh2..gila lo bro..pinter bgt lo bro..in English pula..

lanjuuutlah ya... ati2 cerita lo selanjutnya jgn ngelantur yeh ^_^... klo ngelantur tar gw toyorr wakakakaka...

*tossss!!!!

Writer brown
brown at Among the Clouds; Part 1 (12 years 13 weeks ago)
100

a cockpit without a window? in the sky? wow. haven't seen it before. wonder what it looks like. it must be pretty cold up there if he takes it fly with him during the evening.

1- gimana kalau 'wanna' di para-1 diganti aja dgn 'want to', sptnya lebih asyik. apalagi untuk sebuah novel. menurutku lebih baik bila narasinya menggunakan kata-kata yg formal (no slank, please), unless in conversations.

2- “How's our current position?” ==> hmm, bgmn bila "how's" diganti dgn "what's"? just a suggestion though.

3-"...for the ships are to far away apart to support each other...." ==>'are to far' or 'were too'?

4-"...Li's ship were on commander's four o-clock position..." ==> 'was' maybe?

"...my ships was on a row with ...." ==> supposed tb 'ship' maybe?

wow, quite long, in English pula, so aku mesti ekstra hati2 bacanya. pengetahuanku dlm English terbatas jg, so cuma bisa kasi suggest sebisanya. mungkin yg lain bisa ditambahin sama teman2 yg lain lagi. kalau bisa, next chapter jgn sepanjang ini, berhubung in English, dan di komputer, agak lelah jg membacanya. again, just a thought...

10 deh buat kegigihanmu menulis cerita yg tidak biasa dlm bhs yg rumit ini.

Writer ervan_azadeh
ervan_azadeh at Among the Clouds; Part 1 (12 years 13 weeks ago)
100

Inggrisnya bgs bgt. btw,it's remind me sama saga yg dibuat oleh majalah game nasional terbitan surabaya

Writer ima_29
ima_29 at Among the Clouds; Part 1 (12 years 13 weeks ago)
100

gile..gw buka2 kamus dulu nih! secara kosakata gw amat sangat minim sekali!!!

Cerdas sekali dirimu!!Toplah..ck..ck..ck..

Writer Littleayas
Littleayas at Among the Clouds; Part 1 (12 years 13 weeks ago)
90

salut buat adrian walopun aku harus mengerutkan kening ngartiin ur english..hehehe

Writer bl09on
bl09on at Among the Clouds; Part 1 (12 years 13 weeks ago)
100

biar gk begitu tau ma bhs bule kmu,masih ngeja nih...
tp bangga,

Writer wehahaha
wehahaha at Among the Clouds; Part 1 (12 years 13 weeks ago)
100

This is a great story. A mix of advanced star wars and the present day aircraft fighters, the battles in the air, such stories can only be written in English. I agree with the comments below. Don't confuse yourself when mixing religion and technology. Because sometimes, the two things seem to contradict each other and can bring an uproar if misunderstood.

Writer adrian.achyar
adrian.achyar at Among the Clouds; Part 1 (12 years 13 weeks ago)

I'm writing this in Bahasa...

Teman-teman, terima kasih atas komentar dan pointnya ^_^

untuk VQ:
Kamu yakin aku yang ngajarin? English ku enggak bagus-bagus amat lho. Ntar malah jadi "orang buta menuntun orang buta"

untuk max:
Makasih atas peringatannya. Eniwey, aku udah baca sinopsis tentang Left Behind di wikipedia. Kamu peringatkan aku tentang apanya ya?

untuk wehahaha:
makasih buat komentar dan point-nya. Btw, ternyata itu toh, kontradiksi agama dan iptek. Frankly, secara pribadi, saya enggak setuju kalo itu ada. Justru dengan cerita ini, saya mau buktikan kalo premis itu salah. Eniwey, it's a sci-fi. Bel, Ryan, and Zahra were just reacting based on their beliefs. That's all. Kalo ada kesan lain, ingat bahwa cerita ini ditulis dengan sudut pandang orang pertama jadi ada opini pribadi si Ryan ^_^

for bl09on, aya, ima, my_bro, sefry_chairil:
Makasih ya udah mau baca.

for brown:
Thanks, dah diedit tuk no 3, 4 & 5

Untuk no 1, kayaknya gak apa-apa deh pake slang. Ga apa apa yach ^_^. No 2 kayaknya udah bener pake "how's" deh.

Terus kokpitnya enggak bakal dingin di malam hari. Kan tertutup dari luar. Mungkin aku musti ngasih tau kalo kokpit itu, saking canggihnya, pake pengatur suhu. Tapi taro di mana yah...

Masalah panjangnya, aku susah bikin bagian ini jadi lebih pendek. Bagian ini udah optimal, kalo dipendekin bakal jadi aneh ^_^

for azura7:
Cerita yang kamu maksud apa ya?

Eniwey, terlalu banyak "I"? Well, ingat cerita ini ditulis dalam sudut pandang orang pertama jadi pasti banyak pake "I". Dan ingat juga bahwa dalam bahasa Inggris, harus ada subyek (beda dengan bahasa Indo yang kadang subyek bisa dpaksakan untuk hilang). Kalo pake nickname, akan aneh kedengaranya. Coba aja dibayangin ^^.

Btw, makasih atas saran dan komentarnya ya :)

The Three Fowers, Among the Clouds... Guys, please read my stories & poems at K.com ^_^

Writer hikikomori-vq
hikikomori-vq at Among the Clouds; Part 1 (12 years 13 weeks ago)
100

Oh My god! Why does everyone makes a good sci-fi better than me? This is so so SUPERB!

If you want to mix the spiritual and science fiction why dont you take the reference from Evangelion since we both interested in anime/mangas?

Be careful of Maximillian downhere, he is really - really sci-fi fanatic.

For the last. . can you teach me some English? Please, I got D in my english class

Writer maximillian
maximillian at Among the Clouds; Part 1 (12 years 14 weeks ago)
100

When you mix religion wih sci-fi, be careful.
OR you'll ended up like Tim Lahaye with its LEFT BEHIND series.

OR worse such as ALVA VETA, published by dar!Mizan. It used future setting, that suggests it's a sci-fi, but indeed it is a religious writing with a sci-fi cloak.

Writer bluer
bluer at Among the Clouds; Part 1 (12 years 14 weeks ago)
100

sorry, i am writing in bahasa for this :

cool..,keren.., jadi inget star wars, independence day, star trek etc.

cerita ini pasti dari masa depan, hanya saja tidak ada keterangan waktunya. Atau saya luput membacanya ya? maklum masih di bantu kamus online.
hehehe

oh ya, ada kutipan menarik, sebuah perpaduan yang sangat unik :

“Have earnestness for death and you will have life,” said the commander, quoting the famous quote of Abu Bakr.

mmm...suka tokoh zahra.

ditunggu kelanjutannya ya...

Writer miss worm
miss worm at Among the Clouds; Part 1 (12 years 14 weeks ago)
90

dah dipost! hebat. hebat, yan :D ditunggu lanjutannya