Majicka, the Prologue

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Writer Feline
Feline at Majicka, the Prologue (10 years 49 weeks ago)
70

Bisa diterjemahin ke bahasa Indonesia? Mungkin akan lebih enak dibaca. :)

Writer faraj_ibym_vajra
faraj_ibym_vajra at Majicka, the Prologue (11 years 9 weeks ago)
70

Singkat kata : Grim Reaper??

My, my... Dalam penceritaan situasi udah okelah. Cuman dalam ceritanya sama sekali tidak disebutkan untuk bagian selanjutnya. Jadi kesannya kurang stimulatif (Baca : Memancing)

Lanjutkanlah.

Writer skyshade
skyshade at Majicka, the Prologue (11 years 16 weeks ago)
80

berharap ku yg payah ini bisa sehebat-mu, tapi aku ngerti koq sedikit2...
kayaknya, walau ditulis pke english tapi plot ceritanya masih kurang keliatan, mungkin lebih bagus penyetaraan aja antara, deskripsi, dialog dan plot...
(itu kayaknya loch, english-ku kan ancoer)

sebelumna, salam kenal..., aku member baru
baca ceritaku dan jadi temenku ya...^^

Writer rosedragon
rosedragon at Majicka, the Prologue (11 years 19 weeks ago)
70

The English somehow sounds like Asian-English instead English-English. Some words seem to be interpret from word to word. I don't know, just I don't feel comfort on the words selection.

Shaky should be shakey, and it is a slang language. How about using 'trembling' instead?

I can't comment the storyline, it's still common for now but I think this story have big chance to be a fantastic one.

Writer serpentwitch
serpentwitch at Majicka, the Prologue (11 years 25 weeks ago)
80

You always use most unusual english words, it's very enjoyable and adds to my dictionary as well ^^. My comment is still the same as for most of your stories and poems, that is flow.

I think this is your only weak point, but also a very vital point. Without good flow, people will have a hard time reading your story. Even the most simple story will be a pain to read without nice flow.

Writer addang13
addang13 at Majicka, the Prologue (11 years 26 weeks ago)
50

Sh*t

bahasa inggris smua. Daku gak ngerti.
God... Kill me

Writer Zhang he
Zhang he at Majicka, the Prologue (11 years 27 weeks ago)
70

Disini ada beberapa kalimat2 yang tidak begitu efektif rasanya.. seperti

She could not save anyone. She could not protect anyone.

Mungkin bisa diubah menjadi

She could not save nor protect anyone.

Ato apalah gitu. Agak banyak pengulangan kalimat yang tidak jauh beda dengan kalimat sebelumnya. Agak janggal kalau menurutku
Inggrisku tidak begitu bagus T.T jadi maklum. Dikau ubah2 sendiri deh ya

Oh ya, kenapa di prolog sini pakai past tense? Apa mungkin ini terjadi di masa lalu Majicka?
Hmm ^^ lanjut dulu deeh..

Writer Rijon
Rijon at Majicka, the Prologue (11 years 27 weeks ago)
80

First I want to give a congratulation for you to had written and English story ^^,

Hmm....Cuz it is still a prologue, I thnik I can't give any comments for now......

BU, YEAH!! This is a good prologue....

Drop some comments to my story, please ^^,

Writer 145
145 at Majicka, the Prologue (11 years 29 weeks ago)
80

He,he, For being rude, I apologize.

This is my first comment to you so bear with it.

After all I must accept that your english is so good, at least better than mine.

And though I dont know reasoning behind your writing in English, actually I agree that this language is better at expressing something than our mother language.

This prologue is good, yet it doesnt really help the reader to understand, what this story about (sigh, i shouldnt say it after what I wrote in my CoDE T_T, apology please).

The markable point is how good you at describing the scene, at least the reader will go into the mood (rather dark I think).

I have no sugestion for now, just KEEP WRITING EVEN IF TOMORROW THE WORLD WILL END. >_<

Writer Ojeng
Ojeng at Majicka, the Prologue (11 years 29 weeks ago)
70

NOT BAD... meski aq g begitu gape ber english ria, tapi kata yg qm pilih cukup mudah dipahami.... saluuut ! terus berkarya .........

Writer d-eights
d-eights at Majicka, the Prologue (11 years 29 weeks ago)
70

bagaus... sosok bgmanakah Majicka itu?? ...

Writer al faqir
al faqir at Majicka, the Prologue (11 years 29 weeks ago)
80

very good story, baguuuus

Writer bunghatta_crb
bunghatta_crb at Majicka, the Prologue (11 years 30 weeks ago)
70

This is good story :-)

Writer bl09on
bl09on at Majicka, the Prologue (11 years 30 weeks ago)
90

wah jadi ngebayangin gimana bentuk Majicka

Writer jc_upu
jc_upu at Majicka, the Prologue (11 years 31 weeks ago)
90

bener kata noir.. ini mah klo di jadiin teaser keren banget.. tapi klu prolog keknya kurang memberikan dasar hoho~~ tapi keren banget lo teaser nya..

Writer Chatarou
Chatarou at Majicka, the Prologue (11 years 31 weeks ago)
90

It is an interesting beginning, I feel I jump into a new challenging game animation with a new character.

I was in Japan for a long, and I (she is) also a new character. Nice to have you as my best friend.

Chatarou

Writer kukirasiapa
kukirasiapa at Majicka, the Prologue (11 years 32 weeks ago)
80

Still work in it? I'm curious about the conflict inside this woman. Why does she feel angry and powerless to save other people. Good work afterall. Comment my works too ya :)

Writer noir
noir at Majicka, the Prologue (11 years 32 weeks ago)
80

Ini mah bukan prolog dri, ini mah teaser...

Writer dian k
dian k at Majicka, the Prologue (11 years 33 weeks ago)
90

Hmm... I don't often read english fantasies, especially ones which written by Indonesian. But this one is good. I can imagine the scene, you're good at this.
I just have one question: how someone is able to fight with both sword and staff? These weapons are not usual combination.

Writer vadis
vadis at Majicka, the Prologue (11 years 33 weeks ago)
60

makin banyak aja nih orang indo yang bikin cerita fantasi pakai bahasa inggris. ternyata fireheart-ku bukan yang pertama...
coba deh lihat prolog fireheart versi inggrisku di www.fireheart.tk

makin asyik aja aku nongkrong di www.kemudian.com ini! membuka wawasan!

Writer jugermix
jugermix at Majicka, the Prologue (11 years 33 weeks ago)
60

gua belom nangkep maksudnya..baca punya gua ya "Pada suatu hari"

Writer dirgita
dirgita at Majicka, the Prologue (11 years 34 weeks ago)
80

Sama dengan Mas Bamby. Kelebihan lain dari cerita berbahasa asing adalah bisa diekspor. Siapa tahu, ada produser Hollywood yang nyasar di sini? Siapa tahu?
Paragraf terakhir, kok, begitu, ya?

Writer imr_aja
imr_aja at Majicka, the Prologue (11 years 34 weeks ago)
80

wow dari gue!! ^-^

Writer adrian.achyar
adrian.achyar at Majicka, the Prologue (11 years 34 weeks ago)

Whaaa! Teman-teman. Makasih buat komentar dan pointnya. Saya jadi terharu. Ga nyangka bakal dapet sambutan sebanyak ini :D Padahal cerita ini bisa dibilang asal jadi. Konsepnya juga belom mateng.

Guys, please read my poems & stories at K.com ^_^

Writer F_Griffin
F_Griffin at Majicka, the Prologue (11 years 35 weeks ago)
70

It should have a more subtle and settling ending. NOt necessarily conclusive.

By the way, this reminds me a lot of Terry Pratchett's the Witches Abroad..

Writer clme_13
clme_13 at Majicka, the Prologue (11 years 35 weeks ago)
90

walaupun rada bingung bacanya, entah knapa ini ngena pisan di hati...
entah kenapa....

Writer Bamby Cahyadi
Bamby Cahyadi at Majicka, the Prologue (11 years 35 weeks ago)
80

Keep writing aja dech. Pertama, kalo buat cerita dengan bhs asing pasti lebih susah, kedua cerita ini bisa go public bisa di ekspor hehehe

Writer Yuni Agustina
Yuni Agustina at Majicka, the Prologue (11 years 36 weeks ago)
90

kayaknya lebih enak membaca dalam bahasa indonesia, maknanya lebih dapat, tapi salut lho dengan bhs inggrisnya. kok mandek sampai prolog.
Komen ceritaku ya, salam kenal. (Yuni)

Writer djava_wong
djava_wong at Majicka, the Prologue (11 years 36 weeks ago)
80

good prologue, di tunggu aja lanjutannya

Writer ukhti_fighter
ukhti_fighter at Majicka, the Prologue (11 years 36 weeks ago)
90

I'm a first time learner, so, it was a lil bit difficult to understand every word, but you did grest! I wonder for the next episode.
Thanks for your comment on my story. I don't mind at all about your correction, I apreciate it. I wrote english story because I love english very much.
keep in touch, okay?!

Writer cat
cat at Majicka, the Prologue (11 years 36 weeks ago)
90

bahasa inggris!! tulung cat ndak begitu ngerti bahasa inggris.

cat cari program translation dulu.

Adrian sudah lama tidak posting ..
makin keren ui

Writer codenameKEY
codenameKEY at Majicka, the Prologue (11 years 37 weeks ago)
100

Mulai sekarang, aku akan terus berdoa supaya bisa jadi penulis sehebat kamu(terutama b.inggrisna)!
Baca juga cerita2ku ya....^_^

Writer my bro
my bro at Majicka, the Prologue (11 years 38 weeks ago)
90

sapa yang ngumpetin kamus gw, kamus gw mana?? gw mo baca karyanye adrian niiih. hihihi.

wah adrian bangkit lagi, betapa kemane aje brooo, gak ada kabarnye.

sip di tunggu lanjutannya ^_^

*toyor dikit
*kaboooorrrrr

Writer mtop666
mtop666 at Majicka, the Prologue (11 years 38 weeks ago)
90

Mas, ane mau nyoba belajar baca-baca cerita english macam ini. Guide me ya...

Terus melangkah...

Writer FrenZy
FrenZy at Majicka, the Prologue (11 years 38 weeks ago)
80

I like the prologue. It's intense.

Writer riela2002
riela2002 at Majicka, the Prologue (11 years 38 weeks ago)
80

Pembukaan yang bagus, idenya juga. Tapi alangkah senangnya kalo saya bisa baca ceritanya. Ditunggu ya chapter I nya ...

Writer Alfare
Alfare at Majicka, the Prologue (11 years 38 weeks ago)
60

bung adrian, ini garing...

Umm, kalau aku sih, bila ingin menulis dan emang udah enggak tahan lagi, aku pasti bakal nulis. Sekalipun cuma coret2an plot kasar dan jadinya asal-asalan. Jadi jangan terlalu dipikirin, ya?

Writer sefry_chairil
sefry_chairil at Majicka, the Prologue (11 years 39 weeks ago)
80

akhirnya diposting jg toh? hehe..
ditunggu lanjutannya, hun..

Writer miss worm
miss worm at Majicka, the Prologue (11 years 39 weeks ago)
70

naskah lama toh. ngga seru ah, Yan. minta yang baru :p *nyebelin mode on*

btw Adrian ... Saya ngga tahu kenapa, ngga suka ada semacam chatter di dalam postingan :D kekekeke. kan dah dikasih catatan penulis sama moderator.

Writer yosi_hsn
yosi_hsn at Majicka, the Prologue (11 years 39 weeks ago)
80

Wish I could write an English story someday. Still have no gut to do it. Nice, mas.. It build my curiosity. Please write the next chapter soon, ya? Kekekeke...
By the way, "...angry to her herself...". Should it be "...angry to herself.."? Sorry, me not sure too...^_^

Writer Husna
Husna at Majicka, the Prologue (11 years 39 weeks ago)
50

not so bad

Writer bintang alzeyra
bintang alzeyra at Majicka, the Prologue (11 years 39 weeks ago)
80

nice adrian! Jadi pingin baca lanjutannya negh.